In his later years, Russian writer Lev Tolstoy wanted to give up private property and his copyrights. However, his wife, Sofia, was worried about managing the lives of her many children and her work. Tolstoy's beliefs were a moral decision for the individual, but a realistic change for the family as their livelihood and inheritance depended on it.
It is difficult to simply summarize the conflict between two people as one party's fault. Sophia's reminiscences and records from the time leave traces of a long-term conflict between her desire to protect her ideals and her desire to protect her family. It shows that even if big decisions are good, they can be hurtful when applied without explanation and consultation to the people you live with.
Plans such as travel, returning home, or child support after retirement may not be as dramatic as Tolstoy's choices. Still, the difference is that it is the first time a family hears about something a person has already decided on in their mind for a long time. This is why we need time to listen to each other’s concerns before announcing a conclusion.
Retirement is between the company and me, but life after retirement is intertwined with the daily life of my family. The time spent at home increases, the flow of living expenses changes, and plans that have been postponed, such as traveling or moving, come back to mind. People who have thought about it for a long time may feel that they have already reached a conclusion, but it may be a sudden change for their family.
When making retirement plans in your late 50s, the first thing you need to say rather than “I want to live like this” may be “What do you think?” Even if everyone in your family doesn't have the same dreams, you should know in advance how different each other's expectations are for the day.
Retirement planning is not a place to announce a complete answer, but a conversation to plan a different life together.
🗣️ Ask about expectations before plans
One person may expect the couple to travel a lot after retirement, while the other may want to maintain their current lifestyle. One person may want to help their adult child more often, but the child may want you to enjoy life on your own.
When starting a conversation, questions are better than conclusions.
- “What do you think will change the most if I spend more time at home?”
- “What do you want to do together and what do you each want to do?”
- “What items do you want to keep in your living expenses?”
- “How realistic is child support and parental care?”
Rather than trying to reach an agreement all at once, the first conversation is enough to just check where each other's expectations differ.
AI 생성 by 낭만자두💰 When talking about money, you need to bring out both numbers and emotions
It is a good idea to write down in detail the areas you want to check in numbers, such as living expenses, pensions, and loans. At the same time, you should also talk about what makes you anxious and what you don't want to give up. This is because the same expenditure may be a waste for one person and a joy in life for another.
For pension, tax, investment, and legal issues that are difficult to decide through family conversations, you should seek guidance from a reputable organization or a qualified expert. This article is not a recommendation for any specific financial choice.
AI 생성 by 낭만자두🏠 Talk about space, time, and roles separately.
Conflicts after retirement often start with small lifestyle habits rather than big philosophies. Discuss items such as whether you each have a quiet space in the house, how much you will eat together, and how you will coordinate going out on weekdays and using the car. Rather than a promise to spend all of our time together, we may need a standard of not invading each other's lives.
Household and caregiving roles also need to be reexamined. People who spend more time at home may be able to take on new roles, but they shouldn't be handed over everything just because they have more time. Conversely, it is also not fair to leave a burden that one person has been carrying for a long time until retirement. If you write down visible chores, including making reservations, contacting family members, and remembering your parent's care schedule, you'll see the full picture of your role.
📝 If you run into trouble with words, each of you should write them down first.
If the conversation continues to become a battle of emotions, you can each write down ‘three things you want to keep after retirement’ and then read them again. If important items are different, such as health, individual time, monthly living expenses, parental care, and child support, a line is added as to why they are important.
Even people without a spouse or children can share their change plans with trusted siblings, friends, and colleagues. The key is not the type of family you have, but whether you have someone who is aware of big changes in your life and can discuss them with you when necessary.
What you agree to may change three or six months later. You may find it frustrating to spend more time at home than expected, you may have to schedule a new job, or your family's health may change. It is more realistic to agree to revisit the initial plan on a regular basis rather than using it as a basis for broken promises.
☕ This week’s 20-minute conversation
This week, catch a non-conclusive 20-minute conversation. Each person says one thing they are looking forward to and one thing they are worried about, and takes notes without contradicting what the other person said. All you have to do is decide on one number to cover in the next conversation.
Your post-retirement plans will last longer if they fit into the lives of the people you live with, rather than completing them alone. The moment you turn notice into a question, retirement becomes not an end for one person but a process for the family to prepare for a new life.
