In their late 50s, when they are about to retire, their children often start their own lives by getting jobs or starting families. There are times when I receive a phone call because I am happy, but after the conversation ends, I feel sad. Parents just ask questions about how they are doing, but their children answer as if they are being interrogated. “Have you eaten?”, “When will you come back?”, “Why don’t you call me first?” may convey concern, but to the listener, they can be conveyed as demands.
The reason your relationship with your adult child is difficult is not because of a lack of love. This is because each person remembers the relationship differently. Parents still want to take care of their children, but children have become adults who make their own schedules.
Before asking about the number of contacts, ask your child one sentence asking how they are doing these days.
💬 Instead of asking “Why haven’t I heard from you?”, ask “How was your week?”
If you consider the number of contacts first, it is easy to start the conversation with an excuse. The explanation that they were busy, the apology, and the promise to do it more often next time are repeated. Even if you relax for a moment, the way you relate doesn't change.
Changing the first sentence can change the direction of the conversation.
- “Why haven’t I heard from you like this?” Instead, ask, “How was your week?”
- Instead of “Of course you have to come for the holidays,” “What are your plans for this holiday?”
- Instead of “It would be easier if you did as I say,” “I’m curious about what you find important.”
This does not mean that parents give up their interest. It is about giving yourself the opportunity to hear the other person's situation first.
Just because the call time is short may not mean the heart is short. It's difficult to have long conversations while commuting to and from work, and even answering the phone can be a burden when caring for young children. Ask “When is it convenient for you to talk?” and find a less burdensome method, such as text, phone, or family group chat. Not sticking to just what your parents like will help you maintain contact for a long time.
Even when you have to express your disappointment, it is better to explain your feelings rather than counting the number of contacts like a score. Rather than saying, “You don’t contact me even once a month,” saying, “I wonder how you are doing when I don’t hear your voice for a long time and I miss you a little bit,” conveys a meaning closer to longing than criticism.
AI 생성 by 낭만자두✉️ A letter from Dasan to his son from afar
Dasan Jeong Yak-yong sent several letters to his two sons during his long exile in Gangjin. He repeatedly urged me not to sit down when things got difficult at home, but to read books and build myself up. My father, who was far away and unable to take care of me in person, expressed his concerns and expectations through a letter.
The letter contains deep love as well as stern teachings. This does not mean that this is a conversation style that today's parents should follow. Rather, it makes us think about the fact that love can be a burden to children when it is only delivered in the form of advice.
In the days of fertility it took a long time for letters to arrive, but now messages reach you right away. As contact has become easier, it is easy to expect a response to come quickly. However, the speed of delivery and the speed of the mind are not the same. After sending your concerns, leaving time for the other person to respond with their own thoughts is a necessary attitude, both then and now.
👂 It is never too late to ask for permission before giving advice
There are times when parents can see in advance the trials and errors their children will experience. So I want to give you the answer quickly. However, whether your child needs a solution or just a place to vent may differ.
Just ask, “Is it okay if I tell you what I think?” It's a short question, but it conveys that you respect the initiative in the conversation. Even if your child doesn't want to hear it now, it still leaves a door for them to come back to when they need to.
During the conversation, take a look at the three things below.
- Are you asking the question with a predetermined answer?
- Does your child come up with a solution before he or she has finished speaking?
- Are there any comments comparing children from other families?
AI 생성 by 낭만자두🌿 Closeness is difficult to measure just by the number of contacts
Some family members I talk to every day, and some I trust deeply even if I only talk to them once a month. Comfortable intervals vary depending on each person's occupation, parenting situation, health, and personality. When you start comparing other homes, it's easy to lose sight of what's already going well in your current relationship.
It is also important for parents to keep their own day while waiting to be contacted. If news of your child is the only joy of your week, a single contact can shake your heart too much. A life with friends, hobbies, walks, and learning is not a life where you love your children less, but a life where you can love each other more comfortably.
It is reassuring for children to see their parents enjoying their day. If you talk about light things like what you ate today, something new you learned, or a view you saw on a walk, the conversation won't be filled with concerns about your health, marriage, or work. As much as asking about your child's life, telling parents little news about themselves is a way to create conversation between adults.
However, if a family has lost contact due to long-term conflict, abuse, or recurring financial issues, changing just one sentence will not immediately restore the relationship. Respect the distance requested by the other person, and if it is difficult to handle it alone, you can explore the possibility of safe communication through professional help such as family counseling.
☕ A little practice for the next call
Before you express your disappointment, ask first, “How was your week?” After hearing the answer, it is enough to just accept it once and say, “I see,” without giving advice right away.
Narrowing a relationship can begin with an attitude of being curious about the other person's life rather than the power to provide the right answer.
