When one person retires first, in their late 50s or early 60s, a couple's clocks suddenly change. Even couples who say they regret not having enough time together before retirement may clash over trivial things when they are in the same room all day. One person may feel that they have finally gained more freedom, but for the other person, the rhythm of life they have maintained for a long time may suddenly change.
“I thought it would be nice to be together, but why am I so frustrated?”
Just because this question arises doesn't mean that your relationship as a couple has worsened. As the time of two people who had been divided between work and home overlapped in one space, a new agreement became necessary.
The couple's daily routine involves spending as much time together and finding a place where each person can breathe comfortably.
🕰️ Love and schedules do not fit together automatically
One person may want to go out as soon as they eat breakfast, while the other person may want to take their time and relax at home. The amount of time we watch television, the time we eat, and the number of times we see friends also vary. Differences that were previously hidden in each person's schedule become clearly visible after retirement.
At this time, if you put forward the standard of “of course a couple should be together,” one person may feel caught and the other person rejected. Rather than increasing the time spent together, it is more helpful to first check what time each person is comfortable with.
The rhythm of life is hard to see unless you talk about it. Be specific about seemingly small things, such as whether you would like to be left alone and quiet in the morning, whether you would like each person to prepare their own lunch, or whether you would like them to know your curfew time on days when you meet friends. Only when this kind of agreement is built can big plans be shared comfortably.
AI 생성 by 낭만자두🌬️ ‘The space between togetherness’ said by an old book
In the passage about marriage in 『The Prophet』 published in 1923, Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran conveyed the idea that two people should be together but leave a space between them. The analogy continues that the strings of instruments that make the same music are spaced apart from each other, and the pillars that support the temple do not stand in the same place.
This parable is different from saying that couples should live their lives on their own. It's more of a relationship where you lean on each other to keep a roof over your head, but one person's tastes, friends, and quiet time aren't taken up by the other person. Especially after retirement, the time we spend together suddenly increases, so we need to be more conscious of creating space than before.
It's not a big deal if you change it to today's life. One person walks alone in the morning, the other rests at home, and in the evening, they drink tea and ask each other about their day. When there is time apart and time together again, each person's day returns to conversation as a couple.
🧩 Share your time and your time together
You can think of your week as divided into three sections.
- Time spent by each person: Friends, hobbies, walks, quiet time relaxing
- Time spent together: Things you both like, like eating, shopping, going for a walk, or watching a movie.
- Time to take care of the house: Divided roles such as cleaning, cooking, hospital schedules, and family events.
If you simply say, “Let’s take care of it,” it’s easy for someone who is familiar with the housework to continue to take charge of it. In addition to the tangible tasks, you also need to share things like making reservations, staying in touch, and remembering what you need.
For example, you can plan your week lightly by spending Monday and Wednesday mornings separately and eating Friday lunch together. Cleaning and grocery shopping are handled by each item, but we also establish standards for changing them depending on physical condition or external schedules. Rather than splitting it in half exactly from the beginning, it is more realistic to try it for a month and then repeat the discomfort.
AI 생성 by 낭만자두💬 Time apart creates conversation
As we each spend the day, we have a story to tell in the evening. You can ask and answer questions about who you met, what you learned, and what you saw on your walk. You don't become close when you share every scene throughout the day, but you become closer when you are curious about each other's day.
Of course, if there is a long-standing conflict, violence, or economic control, it cannot be resolved with a life schedule alone. In such cases, it is necessary to prioritize safety and seek professional help, such as family counseling.
☕ Today’s small agreement
Ask each other “one thing you want to spend alone this week” and “one thing you want to do together.” Rather than trying to change your answer, it is enough to write it down on paper first.
Retirement is not the time when a couple becomes the same person. It's a time for two different people to readjust their lives going forward. How about watching each person's seat together so that having a cup of tea together becomes a promise to look forward to rather than an obligation.
